Attack of the Hogwarts Care Bear Time Travellers
by The Sexiest Care Bear Ever xXx
Summary: Gandalf, VOLDEMROT, Harry Potter, Care Bears, Ebola. This is the best fic ever. AND I AM SERIOUS. No dissing. o


Funshine Bear was a Care Bear from the magical land of Pr0n Island. Funshine Bear was the king of the mafia – oh, wait, Funshine Bear is a girl? WHATEVER. Funshine Bear used to be a girl, but she did some do-it-yourself gender change surgery, which I read about in some magazine once. Now Funshine Bear is an it, because he stuffed it up, but legally he's a boy, seeing as I guess it isn't a legal gender, or whatever. :D Then he took on the name of DON FUNSHINE. Only the mafia wasn't a mafia. It was a gang. Don Funshine's favourite pastime was shooting stuff, and having orgies. Don Funshine was gay for Don Birthday. Yes, I am going to make a habit of referring to them as Don (name here). Like Don Pianta. Maybe. On this particular day, they were crusin' in their… um. Urban Dictionary. . Need a list of cars. Oh, whatever. Cruisin' in their FBI PARTY VAN. Suddenly, there was… GANDALF LOL and Gandalf is all, "Motherfuckers, put your paws up, I'm takin' over this shit! Gonna get my homies here so we can all smoke some crack, lol. GTFO." And the Care Bears were all, "Stuf, now move away, bitch. ;O" And then they grabbed their light sabres and decapitated Gandalf in a bloody mess, but then Gandalf rose, UNDEADEDEDEDED OH MY GOD lolz Gandalf is all, "MOVE ASIDE I'M COMING WITH MY CRACK PARTY WE HAVE OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAND PEOPLE SO CLEAR OUT BITCH OR DO YOU WANNA SHARE THE CRACK:D :D :D" and Don Funshine is all, "Do we get to have gay sex?" and Gandalf is all, "FUCK YES LOL I'D TAP A CARE BEAR" and then they start playing SexyBack. GANDALF IS BRINGING SEXY BACK LAWL and then comes from space... … … … … … … … … … … … … … … TO BE CONTINUED LATERZ, OLOLZ.

OKAY THEN DON FUNSHINE IS ALL OMG LOL I AM THE EBOLA VIRUS AND I HAVE COME TO INFECT YOU GANDALF OLOLZ SO HE RAN AROUND WAVING AN EBOLA TENTACLE LOLZZZZ AND THEN GANDALF IS ALL OH NOES NOT THE EBOLA VIRUS RUUUUUUUUUUUUUN BITCHES RUN!!!! SO THEN THE HOBBITS ALL RAN AND DON FUNSHINE FOLLOWED THEM AND HE TURNED INTO DON EBOLA, THE EBOLA CARE BEAR :D and then they ran into……… VOLDEMROT

"Baka," said VOLDEMROT, who was an EMO in a PAST LIFE o "You may be Ebola Care Bear, but I kill you now! LOL DEAD" and wrote them down in the Death Note. Ebola Care Bear got pissed off then, so he gave VOLDEMORT teh Ebola. "OMG LOL YOU HAS EBOLA" said the Ebola Care Bear, jumping around and sprinkling magical rainbows everywhere. "EBOLAISH EBOLA!" Ebola Care Bear called, using her lightsabres – wait, Ebola Care Bear is a boy. WHATEVER – to cast spells at random people. "KILL PEOPLE, CARE BEAR WON'T," screamed Yoda, doing a 1337 hax karate thing to totally own Ebola Care Bear. "HAHAHAHA, OWNED, CARE BEAR IS, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

Ebola Care Bear then sat down and cried. Jar Jar is all, "Yo, 'sup? Me'sa think you need a HUG to cheer you up." So he hugged Ebola Care Bear, and Jar Jar and Ebola Care Bear were united in love and sympathy, fo' sho' :D Meanwhile, Voldemort was lying ded from teh Ebola of doom. Then came…… Tenderheart Bear, who Love-a-Lot Bear is gay for. "MEOW," said the Tenderheart Bear hey, cool, I'm referencing other authors. "MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW."

…well, that killed off seven hundred words. :) Anyway, Tenderheart Bear is all, "I WANT SEX!!! I'M SEX-DEPRIVED AND MY RAGING HORMONES ARE MAKING ME ALL WEIRD. OH, MOMMY, I FEEL THE NEED TO JUMP ON A CARE BEAR AND I DON'T LIKE IT! BUT HEY. I'M A BIG BOY NOW BIG ENOUGH FOR THE HARDCORE PR0N!!!" and he started giving Love-a-Lot Bear teh sex. But there was one problem.

HARRY POTTER WHO IS A GOTH LOL ran into the scene and lol…… was all "OMG YOU'RE STEALING MY GIRLFRIEND GET THE FUCK OFF LOVE-A-LOT-BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU STUPID CARE WHORE. WAIT, YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME, LOVE-A-LOT BEAR?! NOBODY LOVES ME," and he began slitting his wrists and blood went everywhere and Gandalf got turned on by the abundance of blood. "LOL YOU LIKE IT DIRTY HARRY POTTER?!?!?! ;)" asked Gandalf.

HARRY POTTER kept cutting himself anyway but he was sad and stuff because he really believed Love-a-Lot Bear was his true love but had cheated on him. :O "MOTHERFUCKER," said Harry Potter. "I HATE YOU LOT!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!!!" Melodic strains of My Immortal started playing from his iPod. "I CAN'T EVEN GET A CARE BEAR TO NOT CHEAT ON ME!!! LIFE, LIKE, SUCKS." And then he jumped down a well and DIED.

"LOL DEAD," said the Ebola Care Bear. "NOW WHO WANTS EBOLA, MOTHERFUCKERS?!?!?!"

"Not me! I don't want to die of Ebola, yo," said Gandalf, pulling out a wand and owning the Ebola Care Bear.

"Die of Ebola, Yoda won't," said Yoda.

"OH SNAP VOLDEMROT'S NOT DEAD" said Gandalf. "OMG AND HARRY POTTER IS DEAD. THE WIZARDING WORLD IS DOOMED!"

"I'll save you! D" said Hermione Granger, pulling out her TIME-TURNER OF DOOM. And then there was a loud noise…

REVIEW IF YOU'VE READ 333 THE SEXIEST CARE BEAR EVER :D


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